Some time back, I watched a video lecture by Islamic speaker Sheikh Muhammad Al-Arifi, where he spoke about an incident that could happen to any one of us. It went like this: A little boy comes back after attending a Halaqah (a study circle) at the mosque. His father looks at him, brimming with affection and pride, and asks him what he has been studying that day. The boy responds: “Surah Nur” (Chapter 24 of the Qur'an), and proceeds to read a few verses from the chapter – verses about the punishment for Zina (unlawful sexual intercourse). The father, thinking this was a good opportunity to initiate a conversation about the harms of unlawful sexual intercourse and reiterating the Islamic values of modesty and lowering the gaze, asks the boy: “Do you know what is Zina?” The boy answers in a flash, “Yes…” and proceeds to not only use a vulgar colloquialism for the act of sexual intercourse, but also begins a graphic description. The father is flabbergasted. He thought he had covered all bases towards successfully protecting his children from corruption by regulating their TV-viewing habits and maintaining an observant, religious attitude within his family. He had not contended with outside influences! Apparently, one of the child's classmates had downloaded an explicit porn video from the internet, and the boy had innocently looked in. The images were seared on his memory… how long would it be before he became the 10-billion-dollar-a-year porn industry's newest customer, prey to an addiction, that is even more severe than drugs like cocaine, is anybody's guess. Common mistakes that families make when they encounter a family member accessing porn: 1. They underestimate the damage caused by the act of accessing pornography and dismiss it as “harmless” or “commonplace”. 2. They feel betrayed, repelled and victimized (understandably) and either recoil in disgust or lash out in revulsion, without realizing that the perpetrator is a victim himself! 3. They refuse to talk about or deal with the situation collectively or seek help with trained professionals like counselors and consultant psychologists. The victims are usually abandoned to their own resources, which leaves them helpless and ineffectual, and results in serious spiritual, psychological and physical damage – often reaching a point of no return. Last week, we spoke to Zeyad Ramadan, a Life Coach certified in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), who has extensively researched the topics of sexual addiction, the brain science behind addiction, and the uses of psychotherapy in helping victims of the pornography industry through his websites www.imancipate.com and www.SexualUrgeControl.com. Excerpts from an online Q and A session:? On the gravity of the pornography problem from the Islamic point of view – and how most people assume that since there is no ‘real' sin involved, accessing pornography is “harmless fun”: Zeyad Ramadan: In a recent interview, I debated the topic of: Is pornography the lesser of two evils? This is actually a huge trap. Many men assume that this is less harmful than committing actual Zina, but what they are missing out is that it IS Zina! The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “The eyes commit Zina, the hands commit Zina and feet commit Zina and the private parts commit Zina.” (Musnad Ahmad, no. 4258) In another version, he is reported to have said that “the private parts confirm or deny it” (indicating that looking at the opposite sex in a lustful way or looking at provocative pictures has a spontaneous effect on the genitals and may induce a person to commit Zina). Thus, Muslims should avoid any avenue of Zina. Allah says: “Do not even come close to Zina. It is a shameful deed and an evil way.” (Qur'an, 17:32) So Allah, in the Qur'an, not only prohibits Zina, but He also prohibits even coming close to it. The root issue that leads someone to committing physical act of Zina versus “just watching pornography” comes from the same illness in the heart and the more this disease is fed and indulged, the more desensitized one becomes. On the after-effects, health and emotional repercussions of pornography addiction: Zeyad Ramadan: Many of the men I have worked with suffer from immense shame, guilt and depression which lead them to isolation and problems in their relationships. This tends to creep into other areas of their life as well affecting productivity and self-esteem. Many of the men I've worked with have also reported problems in their intimate life as well due to compulsive self-abuse which has lead them to become desensitized and not enjoy conjugal relations with their spouse or suffer from sexual dysfunctions. This also has a very big effect as well on the family and as in many cases dealing with addiction it is passed down from generation to generation. On how the family of pornography victims or the Muslim community can help: Zeyad Ramadan: Although meaning well, a great part of the problem with treating pornography addiction has to do with the Muslim community itself. A culture where shame is an integral part of its motivation prevents Muslims from seeking adequate solutions. We see a contrast to the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him) where men and women felt very natural and comfortable seeking knowledge about even the most intimate of questions. We've all heard about the incident where a young man asked the Prophet (peace be upon him) directly for permission to commit Zina (owing to his uncontrollable urges). The Prophet (peace be upon him) was very natural and calm, and his answers were full of wisdom, such that the young man underwent a complete change of heart and even the idea of committing Zina became the most hateful thing for him. Contrast this to today, where the only focus is on reprimanding the individual and shaming them further into isolation. Having worked with Muslims addicted to pornography, they are the first ones to know how Haraam (prohibited) it is and the fact that they should lower their gaze. Reprimanding may work for some, but for the majority it's this cycle of shame, fear and isolation that keeps them addicted. It's important for the one who is addicted – Muslim or not – to feel safe and accepted before any true healing develops. It is from this safe place that many men and women are able to return back to living a life of integrity. So as a community and as families we must create that same culture that prevailed at the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him) where people felt safe to come out and get help or talk about things frankly. Pornography addiction is a mental illness, not just any ordinary sin and as the Prophet (peace be upon him) advised us, “Help your brother whether he is the oppressor or the oppressed.” As hard as it may be, the biggest thing an addict, who is sincerely trying to change needs from his or her family, is to be loved and reminded of Allah's Mercy and not to be afraid. Please visit Imancipate.com and enter your email where you can receive videos, articles and training on how to break free from addiction to pornography.
