So it seems like for most Arab couples and families, who experience some degree of emotional stress during the preparations for a wedding as they become very impatient to know every single detail, nervous if they notice any little mistake, and wait for the smallest opportunity to halt the wedding. Saudi Gazette met a number of couples who are preparing for their marriage - and some who have already gone through the process – and who suffer from many problems, both trivial and rather significant. “When I was preparing for my marriage I faced many problems with my husband, where the fight was between my husband and my mother,' said Manal Sobhi, a Saudi Interior Designer. “My mother used to needle my husband, despite his efforts to gratify her,” she explained. Most problems seem to appear during the Milka stage (after signing the marriage contract and before the wedding party). “Having a very long Milka period is playing an important role in creating problems,” added Sobhi. “When my husband's family prepared the wedding invitation cards, my mother and I became very angry when they did not mention my family's name in the card saying ‘It is not necessary, this is our tradition!'” Another such ‘crisis' appeared more recently when Sobhi and her husband were preparing to furnish the house. “I sent all my clothes and stuff inside bags and cases, but this made my husband angry because the custom of his family is to put the clothes in boxes and cover them like gifts,” remarked Sobhi. In fact, following different traditions is the main reason why problems are created between the two families. “Each family has its different traditions and customs, especially in the marriage preparations, so trivial issues become great because of the difference in the backgrounds of the families,” said Dr. Mansour Bin Askar, Professor of Islamic Sociology at King Saud University in Riyadh. “Arab communities have very gloomy ideas about marriage, so each family has a set of difficult requirements to make the other family angry,” he added. According to Dr. Mohammed Al-Hamed, Head of the Psychology Department at Dr. Bakhsh Hospital in Jeddah, Arabian soaps, the media and dated proverbs have given marriage a very bad reputation, so most couples have very ill-conceived notions of what marriage is actually like. “Preparing for marriage in the Arab world is considered akin to preparing for war,” remarked Dr. Al-Hamed. “The marriage ‘strategy' has become very old and it needs to be updated, but most of the Arab communities are still depending on old Arabic proverbs and soaps,” he explained. “Each family wants to appear as the most prestigious, and stronger than the other. This is actually a very poor way of thinking, and that is why the Arab community needs to update their thinking and try to be more realistic,” added Dr. Al-Hamed. Al-Hamed also has a list of suggestions he can give for couples and their families to avoid these conflicts as much as they can. “Couples and their families should be patient, diplomatic, and waivers of impossible requirements,” he said, adding “All of this, in addition to sweet words and banter between the couples.” Dr. Al-Hamed's biggest advice is to make the engagement period longer and to create some kind of friendship between the partners and their families. Another area of conflict which may appear in some marriage cases is one of jealousy and possessiveness, where some fathers start feeling envious of their son-in-laws and mothers become envious of daughter-in-laws and their respective relevance in the life of their children. “This is the second (main) reason that appears in Arab families (as a reason for conflict), but this cannot threaten the couple's married life,” stated Dr. Al-Hamed. Some problems remain even after the hustle and bustle of the wedding party has died down, with the husband and wife both wanting to control each other as well as their home. “From the start of my marriage, I discovered that my husband wanted to change my traditions, as well as to make me a photocopy of himself,” stated Sobhi. “I had tried to defend my rights and control the home - including my husband - but I failed,” she added. Maha Al-Ksaibri, a Saudi housewife, talks of how things started out well for her, but then spiraled out of control.“My husband is the brother of my friend, and she is the one who chose me to be her brother's wife. In the beginning we were very happy and content, but after a while, she started treating me badly. As if I had never been her friend,” she said. “In fact, when I was preparing for my marriage I decided to stop it several times, just because of the emotional stress that I was feeling,” added Maha. Dr. Al-Hamed stressed the necessity of giving Arab women – especially Saudis – more opportunities to become wiser about their rights as a wife so that they do not feel as if they have no influence over their husband or their home.
