JEDDAH – It is often said that women tend to be more emotional than men and a woman's emotions dominate her life and dictate her reactions. This is the secret behind Eve's continued tenderness, compassion and great patience. However, in the marital home, when a woman feels that she has lost the compassion and attention of her husband, she struggles to understand the change in her husband's attitude. The void she feels in her life may not be filled by jobs or other preoccupations and she will continue to need love and care from her partner. According to various studies, the employment status of a woman will not resolve all problems in a marriage but will reduce many. The studies also suggest that the real problem lies not in the emptiness of Eve but in Adam's lack of compassion. Mashael Fahd, a young Saudi woman who has been married for five years, said hardly a year had passed when she began to feel bored and empty and this led to fights with her husband. “My three-and-a-half-year-old daughter does not need as much care now. This has increased the amount of free time I have and has turned me into a nagging wife. My nagging doesn't go down well with my husband who starts work at 7 a.m. and comes back after 5 p.m.,” she explained. Mashael said she started quarreling with her husband and had no consideration of the fact that her husband might be tired after a long day in office. “I refuse to let my husband hang out with his friends during the weekends. I tell him that I am alone in the house during his absence so I have every right to his free time,” she said. After four years of marriage, Mashael's husband asked her to look for a job. After a few months of searching, she found a job as kindergarten teacher. Mashael says she no longer feels bored and said half their problems are solved. “Our fights have decreased considerably. I stopped waiting for my husband to come home so I could bombard him with my problems.” Mohammed Al-Zahrani, a 36-year-old Saudi, has been married for 10 years and although he was initially against women working especially if the husband is capable of meeting all her financial needs, he now feels working women are less bored and less likely to fight with their husbands. “Two years into my marriage and small problems started to crop up because of the boredom my wife was feeling. I work six days a week and like to spend time with my friends after work. I now strongly believe that the employment of women greatly reduces problems between married couples, especially if the woman can strike a balance between her job and duties at home,” he said. Malak, a 26-year-old mother of one, has been married for three years. Malak moved to Jeddah, away from family and friends after marriage. Bored and isolated in a new city, she had unrealistic expectations from her working husband. “I wanted him to be with me all the time. I would get extremely angry when he went out to play football with his friends. A few months after I gave birth to my son, I graduated from university, got myself involved in vocational training for three months. This helped me to appreciate the fact that my husband needed rest and some sleep after work,” she said. Although Malak does not work, she says she keeps herself busy with chores and caring for her son. “My maid only comes twice a week. I do all the cleaning, laundry and other chores. I am too busy to fight with my husband now,” she said. Khaled Al-Anzi, a Saudi in his early 40s, said he got so fed up of fighting with his wife that he went to a company and asked them to employ his wife even if it meant he had to pay her salary out of his own pocket. “I told the company that I will pay her salary from my own pocket. I was willing to do whatever it takes to keep her busy and off of my back. Due to the nature of my work, I have little time to stay home with my wife or accompany her on outings. I figured if my wife had a job, she would leave me alone. It helped our marriage a lot,” he said. Dr. Nadiya Naseer, a family psychologist, said society believes that the main role of the woman is to take care of her husband and look after her children. This misconception she believes is one of the main causes of divorce in the Kingdom. “A husband starts thinking that he is the master who should be obeyed at all times and his role is confined to providing for his wife. In reality, a husband plays a big role in how his wife feels and the direction their marriage will take.” Dr. Naseer said the real void wives feel is an emotional one. “When a wife feels that her husband isn't spending enough time with her, all sorts of problems can arise. A little tenderness on the part of the husband will help solve a number of problems.” “Small touches such as a morning kiss will give the wife the confidence she needs and supplies her with enough energy to continue her married life. Women want to feel that they are important elements in the lives of their husbands and not just someone who looks after the children and takes care of her husband,” she said. Dr. Naseer said the z-culture of friendship between husbands and wives does not exist in Saudi society.
“Our males are brought up always looking down at women,” she said while advising men to be good listeners, show that they care and not treat women as items they possess.
