Saudi Gazette Words have power to both, heal and hurt. A single word is enough to make or break relations or to like or dislike a person. Playing with words is an art that people use to teach, encourage, praise, guide, scold, create revolutions, formulate theories or discipline children. Many parents are unaware of the fact that words they use while speaking to their children can either have a positive impact on them or a completely negative one. Dr. Jasim Al-Mutawa, a well known family counselor, head of Iqraa Channel and the host of the show “The Households of God's Prophets”, has put together a list of 10 of the worst verbal mistakes that parents usually make out of habit or ignorance, and these words have a profounding psychological effect on children. 1- Insults and name-calling, such as stupid, clumsy, lazy, fat, and other hurtful words. This is a no-brainer and everyone knows that this type of language is rude, mean, and totally unacceptable for children or anyone else for that matter. 2- Using words that relate a child to his/her behavior. Parents should always condone bad behavior and not criticize the child. For example, if you catch your daughter stealing then politely tell her that it is a bad habit. Don't shout at her or call her a thief. Similarly, a child who lied should be taught that lying is an awful habit without referring to her/him as a liar.3- Making comparisons. Avoid repeatedly comparing your son to his elder brother or friend or cousin or next door neighbor. Comments such as, “Look at your elder brother; he got full marks on his report card,” or “Why can't you be more like your friend Layan? She is so well-behaved,” can destroy a child's self-esteem and make him/her feel low and insecure. In addition, it can create jealousy or even hatred toward the person the child is always compared to. 4- Expressions of conditional love. A child needs to feel loved and accepted by his parents without any conditions. Never say, “I do not love you because you hit your baby sister” or “If you finish your plate, I will love you” or “I love you because you have been studying so hard for your exams”. These remarks make a young child feel unloved and undesirable so when he grows up his sense of belonging and his relationship with his family weakens. That is why children usually adore their grandparents because they feel that their grandparents love them unconditionally. 5- Inaccurate information and confusing messages. Usually, certain phrases said by adults are stereotypes and have been passed down from one generation to the next. For example, “Men don't cry” or “A child's opinion does not count” or “If you commit a sin, Allah is going to burn you in Hellfire.” Children cannot decipher these messages that are loaded with negative and blatantly incorrect connotations. Men can and do cry and it is not shameful to cry. Men are human beings too. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him cried) when his son, Ibrahim, died. Children do have opinions and they should be allowed to respectfully voice them. Allah has described Himself as Most Merciful Most Gracious, so one who sincerely repents from a sin will not be burned in Hellfire. 6- Negative words accomplish nothing except for killing a child's confidence. Comments such as, “You are a failure” or “You will never get good grades in math” are all very derogatory and demeaning. Psychologists believe that to become a leader or a successful person one should have a positive attitude toward life. 7- Unreasonable threats and ultimatums, such as “You are grounded for a year!” or “Don't ever speak to me again!” 8- Meeting every demand, every request with a firm “no” is not acceptable especially then when an explanation or reasoning is not offered for that decision. A young child deserves to understand why he/she cannot go to a certain party or why they can't buy an I-phone or go to a certain friends place. 9- Wishing something bad to befall a disobedient child, such as, “I hope you will fall down so you will learn to listen to me when I tell you not to get on a motorcycle!” Sometimes children can test our patience and really push us to our limits, but controlling our temper and holding our tongue back from using any harsh words is a true sign of personal strength and wisdom. 10 Betraying your child's secrets and humiliating him/her in the presence of others. There is no harm in advising and even admonishing your child when the two of you are alone. However, scolding him in front of his friends or relatives is extremely embarrassing and psychologically excruciating for children and adolescents. Respect your child's privacy and keep the secrets which he has confided in you so that he will know that he can trust you and come to you whenever he runs into trouble. Al-Mutawa said, “A recent study showed that by the time a child reaches adolescence he/she has heard 16,000 harsh words and insults from his/her parents. Never undermine the power of a word. It is with a word that man enters into a marriage or leaves it. It is with words that a man embraces Islam. A kind word can be more rewarding than an expensive gift and a cruel word can be more damaging than a deadly weapon. We shower our children with toys, clothes, food, and electronic devices and in only a few hurtful words we can burn all the good we have done. So, choose your words wisely as scientists have discovered that a beautiful word has the same effect on brain as giving precious material gifts.” __
