Marriage: My choice or my parents' choice Q: I have been residing in Jeddah for the past 20 years and have grown up with educated people of standards though I hail from a village in India. My parents want me to get married to someone of their choice and I'm not interested in her at all. My father is very educated and my mother isn't and so they fight all the time, but my father compromises and always made my mother smile in the end. However, I don't want to live like them. I have met a girl on Facebook. She is residing in UK and is a striving Muslimah. She regularly posted Islamic articles which impressed me a lot since I also do Dawah work. I want to marry her because she is intellectual, educated and caring. Moreover, she is into Dawah field and I want a wife who is interested in that field. She was earlier married to her uncle's son in Pakistan but due to some evil intentions from the boy's side she was almost killed on her wedding day. She was soon divorced after which she returned to UK. My intention was to find a girl with characteristics I desired and then propose to her for marriage. I would also ask her parents for her hand at the right time. However, I asked her to chat, then email, then voice chat, and then I asked her to send her pictures. I got her involved into the matter. She hesitated, but eventually gave in because she knew I was honest, strove to be a better Muslim and was anxious to lose me. However, after sometime we started having arguments every day. Soon, we realized our mistakes and how Shaitan had deviated us. We decided not to communicate with each other before marriage. Once I was ready for a commitment I would ask her parents for her hand. Kindly advise how I should proceed further. I know I will not be happy with the girl my parents want me to marry. Should I go ahead and marry her or leave it for my parents to decide? A: True guidance is only from Allah. Alhamdullillah, He guided you and we pray that He always keeps you on the straight path. Marriage is a very important decision and one should make the right choice for his/her prospective partner. The most comprehensive advice given regarding the choice of a spouse is the teaching of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). He said, “On the authority of Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him), “A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be losers.” (Bukhari) Therefore, religion is the base. All other criterian like beauty, lineage, and wealth hold different meanings in different cultures. But, the criterion of religion is free from negativities provided the intention is correct and the religion is pure. Compatibility between partners is very important as it has considerable effect on marriage. Important factors of a successful marriage are parity between spouses in terms of adherence to Islam, character/personality, background/culture, career, level of education, mutual understanding and so on. It is important to find someone who shares your core values and beliefs and whose long-term goals correspond with yours. It is likely, in your case, that your parents will insist you to marry someone from your own country or ethnicity. We urge you to discuss this discuss at length with your parents and learn more about their expectations. It is better to talk to your father first as he is highly educated and holds Islamic studies degree. He will understand your point and will not insist you to marry the lady of their choice. Parents have no right to force their children to marry someone without their acceptance or approval. This is one of the conditions for the Islamic marriage. Shaikh Al-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah said, “It is unlawful for any of the parents to force their son into marrying someone he does not like. If he refuses to obey them in this regard, he is not considered undutiful to them.” However, I sincerely advise you to always remember that your parents deserve all the respect in this world. Their insights, their life experiences, and especially their love for you are all assets upon which you should rely, although it is in Allah that you ultimately place your trust. You took the right decision when you stopped all forms of communication with the girl you met online, it is unlawful for Muslims to engage in any personal relationship with the opposite gender outside marriage. This will guarantee the protection of both, your personal integrity and honor, if for any unfortunate reason this union does not materialize. I would like to remind you to make Dua'a Istikhara before you take any decision related to this or any other matter. If the intentions are good and the obligations are carried out, happiness and success will prevail all around. If one adheres to supplicating to Allah unceasingly, asking His help and guidance and is sincere in his hope in Him, Allah will not let him down and will not make his efforts go in vain. __
