I once participated in a television show hosted by a friend. He suggested before the show started to ask me about my opinion on well-known journalists or colleagues that I have worked with. However, I apologized, because for every great journalist like Ghassan Tueini, I know at least two of whom my opinion is not material fit for publishing. I do not remember that I ever lost my temper and said something I might regret later, because my nerves are always ‘cool', and I can never be provoked to the extent of saying something that I will be forced to retract or deny. This is perhaps why I admire the sharpness of the tongue and the audacity that some people have, when they candidly express their opinion about others. At any rate, I usually gather what I hear, and convey to the readers some of that to use in time of need. During a gossip session, I heard a man describing a woman that those present knew, and said that she was so ugly that she made an onion tearful. The people there then began competing in describing that poor woman. One said that the sun sets when she wakes up, and another said that her own shadow runs away from her. Another even claimed that if she entered a room full of mice, the mice themselves would scream and jump on top of a chair. I also heard that when she went to the zoo, it was the monkeys who threw her peanuts. Then a man said that while she is really ugly, she is still prettier than her husband. At that point, those present switched to talking about the husband, and one said that even mosquitoes refuse to bite him, while a second said that a dentist anesthetizes himself first before treating him. A third man said that if ugliness was a crime, the husband would now be hanging from a noose. What is common among all what has been said above is the caricatured exaggeration which rendered this gossip rather humorous, except to the persons being targeted by it, while invalidating its credibility because of course, it cannot be true. From other exaggerations that I gathered, I heard someone once saying the following about a boorish person: if we murdered all the people who dislike him, it wouldn't be a crime; it would be genocide. Also, there was someone accused of not taking care of his personal hygiene, and I heard someone say that if that man took a bath, he would lose ten kilograms, and that anyone who visits him at home needs to wipe his shoes at the door when he goes out to the street. It has been also said about a short man, that if it rains, he will be the last to know, and about a poor man, that he fights the monkeys in the zoo for their peanuts, and about a short-sighted man that he has glasses so thick, he can see into the future. I also heard about a stupid man that deep, deep inside, he thinks he is shallow, and the reason is that ignorance can be cured but stupidity cannot, and also that if you said he was retarded you would be insulting the mentally retarded people. I once wrote a column about the exaggerations that addressed old age, and every woman's attempt to pretend she is younger, although I know that men also do that and probably compete with women in that regard. In the other exaggerations that I gathered, I found that nothing else competes with age as a subject of ridicule except weight. And I have the following about both women and men: - She is so fat her coat can be used as a parachute - People jog around her - She dived into the sea and caused a tsunami - She was caught in the airport trying to smuggle a Volkswagen under her dress - She is the eighth continent - He appears on radar screens - He puts ketchup on aspirin so he can swallow it - He has two stomachs, one for meat and one for vegetables - They stuck a license plate on her behind - She needs three cows to make her a pair of shoes - She got married 20 years ago, and her husband still hasn't seen all of her - He uses the satellite dish as a plate for his food - She has her own postal code - She was chased in the sea by a Japanese whaler When I was young, I had a friend who was always angry, to the extent that all road traffic accidents that he has been in were all caused by him. I know this because they were always the same kinds of accidents, with him colliding with the back of the car in front of him, and thus ended up repairing both cars. However, this friend was a buff athlete, and thus, people used to avoid responding to his anger in kind. On the other hand, we had a skinny friend who had a short stature, and who would not dare fight, and thus used to confront people with his sharp tongue, behind their backs of course. I saw him being defeated once, however, when he told a singer who was trying to sing some of Mohamed Abdel Wahab's songs in a restaurant: Isn't it a shame that Abdel Wahab died and you're still alive? The young singer then answered: Isn't it a shame that your mother conceived you before birth control pills were invented? [email protected]
